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My Testimony
I should, without boasting, be fair to God and relate with thanks the changes God has wrought in me, to perhaps encourage you that perfection is possible - for the changes He has made in me are amazing and continue to remind me of His grace and power to change all men. (My recent experience lending credibility to the far more powerful testimonies within the writings on this site of George Fox, William Penn, James Parnell, Margaret Fox, Francis Howgill, Edward Burrough, Isaac Penington, George Whitehead, William Dewsbury, and Miguel de Molinos, all who testified to Christ's total destruction of sin within them, resulting in their perfection.) As background, I was an agnostic, starting at age 13, being greatly disillusioned with the emptiness of my Methodist upbringing. At age 36, seeing an interview on a TV talk show with the author of Life After Death, a book of near-death experiences, I began to doubt my doubts about God. About the same time I became very aware of two major failures is my life: 1) I had a serious anger problem, 2) despite material success, I was very unhappy. This led to my promise made to God: if he would show me He was there, I would dedicate the rest of my life with my best efforts to find His will for me and then do it; whatever, even if it meant becoming a TV preacher, which I disliked and considered the worst possible thing that He could ask. Twenty-nine years ago, He answered my prayer with evidence so strong that my hunger for righteousness and His approval still gnaws at my spiritual stomach. (Evidence, which he has told me, he will give to anyone, who humbly asks; but such humility only possible after a life-shattering experience.) In this intense seeking, my material needs have always been more than met. That is how it began, and with much confusion and many colossal mistakes, I proceeded on my journey, which you can read more about if curious;
but back to how His power has changed me. It was only by faith in the promises of purity in the scriptures and the testimonies of George Fox and the early Quakers, that I believed the Lord could somehow fix me, being sadly broken. (I also heard an explanation of why being really perfect was essential to holiness: "for if one sin was OK, then two are OK, then three,... then 1000 sins are OK, etc.) I found these promises easy to believe, having first seen holiness to be a goal within meditation-centered Hindu and Buddhist books and writings; reading of a holiness and death of ego that certainly was not in the Christianity that I had experienced. But then my wife suggested I should read the New Testament too, just to see what they had to say. Reading Matthew, I could not but be amazed that, even though Jesus spoke of a conduct that I had never seen in so-called Christians, yet I knew His words were beyond true; they were more straight-forward and more challenging than any Buddhist or Hindu writing I had ever read. His promise within Matthew of perfection, change, and death-of-self spoke in a loud voice to me; and the requirements losing your life to save it and forsaking all made ultimate sense as the price. It was years later, when I discovered George Fox, having been desperate to find some record of Christian success as described of the early Church in the Bible. Here was an English-speaking man, with a plain, easily-understood record of perfection, purity, holiness, sanctification, union, and the Kingdom. And then I discovered the promised rewards, (beyond my desire of being righteous and pleasing to God), in John 17 – these blew my mind, having already been committed, but without a hint as to the benefits that John so plainly said were possible. So with even greater hope, I persisted in seeking the merciful Lord's help. I am happy to report, that my lust for women is gone. Every time I used to see an attractive woman in the distance, I would be ready to stare at her when she came closer - now when I see an attractive woman, my mind is reversed without trying - I automatically am resolved to not stare at her. The Lord has reversed the trigger to lust, to become a trigger to flee from lust - this is nothing I could have done for myself - He did it all. The only thing I did was follow his specific instructions spoken to me, often after resisting or backsliding, and feeling horribly miserable every time I failed – and from this misery, crying out to him for years for help. Like the Parable of the Persistent Widow, who finally got help just to shut her up, the help came, (after I had been severely tested for my sincerity of purpose), and I still am amazed on a daily basis at what He has done for me. Now, I cannot even imagine lust for women any more; it has been totally taken out of me. It is a wonderful thing to look at women without even considering them as a potential sexual partner; true grace. I only wish to be able to help them in a pure way, never considering the use of them for pleasure. My mouth has been cleaned up considerably, totally free of my frequent grevious profanity, with only a very seldom, rapidly diminishing damn. My wife and I are steadily being converted to become like a little children, innocent in thoughts, and full of trust for our Father. These changes are not by my will power - they do not result from restraint on our part - this is not a result of our efforts. Of course we have tried our best in all the above, but however much we tried - we still failed, at least occasionally. Until His supernatural grace had wielded the power to change our hearts, we still failed - but, after His destruction of the inclination to sin in us, even the occasionally failures are gone. Restraint is not enough; the sin has to be removed from our hearts. And that is what He does: For this purpose the Son of God was manifested [revealed in us], that he might destroy the works [sin] of the devil. 1 John 3:8. I now realize we must long suffer with abhorrence and revulsion to our habits, lusts, and pleasures; so that, when the Lord eventually removes them, we will not even consider for a moment returning to sample them again. Since He will never take away our free will, He has to be certain that we have sickened of our selfishness, to the point that we would never drift back into it again. And because of that, I have all the confidence in the world, that all of His promises are true and can be obtained - including He destroying all the sin in me – or anyone who believes and sincerely tries. We are not allowed to preach by speaking because we are not yet sufficiently mature so that the Holy Spirit gives us His words as we speak. We are limited to writing on this web site and answering emails received; this is allowed because we are in close enough communication in meditation to receive frequent specific phrases, messages, corrections, additions, and occasional deletions from the Holy Spirit. Hall Worthington This web site's purpose is to show how to become |
